PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES
The least sea-worthy – make that see-worthy – film in the deathless franchise, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is the sort of big-budget extravaganza that’s exhausting in the worst possible way.
Whereas the brightest blockbusters leave audiences feeling happily drained thanks to a real sense of adventure and plenty of adrenaline-pumping excitement (think Raiders of the Lost Ark or the original Jurassic Park), the poorest ones wear viewers out through a bullheaded combination of unnecessary bloat, tiresome developments, and – to paraphrase that Shakespeare guy – unrelenting sound and fury, signifying absolutely nothing at all.
After sitting through a movie like Dead Men Tell No Tales, you don’t want to rush out and tell your friends to see it. You just want to take a nap.
It’s been six years since the last Pirates of the Caribbean picture drifted into theaters, and a full 14 years since the original film made its debut. Like all that have preceded it, this fifth entry is primarily built around Johnny Depp and his character of Jack Sparrow, and why not?
His Jack Sparrow is now just a Jack-in-the-box, popping out at regular intervals to amuse the kids.
Brenton Thwaites, the bland hero in last year’s Gods of Egypt, is the bland hero here as well, playing the son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann (original series co-stars Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley).
For reasons too convoluted to explain, he’s but one of many people seeking the fabled Trident of Poseidon, joined in his quest by Jack and an astronomer named Carina (Kaya Scodelario). Captain Barbossa (returning Geoffrey Rush) is still on the scene, and there’s a new villain in the form of Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem), a murderous spirit who blames Jack for his present ethereal state.
For a movie that never stops moving, Dead Men Tell No Tales is astoundingly dull, choked to death by expensive CGI, lumbering set-pieces, and a script seemingly cobbled together even after production was underway (late in the film, Salazar is revealed to possess a power that sure would have come in handy at countless earlier points).
A couple of the earlier films featured Keith Richards as Jack’s father. Figuring that a Rolling Stone cameo should be matched by a Beatles cameo, this one showcases a brief appearance by Paul McCartney as Jack’s uncle.
It’s an apt inclusion, since a message to the makers of this past-its-prime franchise can be found right there in The Beatles discography: Let It Be.
Film Details Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
The rip-roaring adventure finds down-on-his-luck Captain Jack feeling the winds of ill-fortune blowing strongly his way when deadly ghost sailors, led by the terrifying Captain Salazar, escape from the Devil's Triangle bent on killing every pirate at sea - notably Jack. Jack's only hope of survival lies in the legendary Trident of Poseidon, but to find it he must forge an uneasy alliance with Carina Smyth, a brilliant and beautiful astronomer, and Henry, a headstrong young sailor in the Royal Navy. At the helm of the Dying Gull, his pitifully small and shabby ship, Captain Jack seeks not only to reverse his recent spate of ill fortune, but to save his very life from the most formidable and malicious foe he has ever faced.